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Forwarded jokes....
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Visit at your own risk.....


Read at your own risk.....


Blame no one after you read......


Keen in knowing what is down there?



Scrool down slowly......



Patience is virtue.....



Lets get started~!






JOk3 oN3

Ahbeng Looking for Wife

This is a story about Ahbeng in search of a wife with the help of his mother, Ahkew. One day Ahbeng's mother bring home 3 pretty girls and introduce to Ahbeng.
The 3 pretty girls name and occupation :
1.) Ahuey - Telephonist
2.) Ahmoi - Primary Skool Teacher
3.) Ahlian - Bus Conductor

Ahbeng very sexcited lar of course then after a while of chatting with the girls his mother asked him.

Ahkew : Ahbeng, how ? Which one you like the most ?
Ahbeng : I like Ahlian the most
Ahkew : Aiyoh bus conductor only wor! where got future wan? Ahmoi not bad leh! gomen work you know? good benefit, next time your children wanna goto skool also easy
Ahbeng : Ahmah dunwan laaa!!
Ahkew : Why dunwan?
Ahbeng : bcoz skool teacher they love to say "PLEASE REPEAT!! DO AGAIN!!! I Want it done 10 times...SOME MORE, SOME MORE!" Like this very tiring everynite I can die one ahmah!
Ahkew : aiyoo!!! then Ahuey lar! at least she is better than Ahlian
Ahbeng : Dunwan also! ahmah, she is telephonist la! they love to say "WAIT A MINIT! PLEASE HOLD ON!" dem potong stim lidat ahmah where got mood to make baby la?
Ahkew : Aiyoyo!!! then what u like about Ahlian so much? bus conductor only wor!!! Where got future one ?
Ahbeng : Ahmah you dunno wan la ... I always take mini bus to KL, those women bus conductor always say "BANG! MASUK BELAKANG!!! MASUK DALAM SIKIT!!! DALAM ADA TEMPAT!!! MASUK MASUK!!!" (in yingrish it means "go in behind, go deep inside! go deeper some more! inside still got place! deeper! deeper!!!) everytime they say lidat i also very sexcited one !!!!

JOk3 T\/\/0
Ahbeng and Ahlian has been married for 20+ yrs ledi by now both of them also in their 50s ... so one day they sat down like usual to have their dinner ......

Ahbeng is at the dinner table with his wife Ahlian and their son (Lobert) and daughter (Lulu) whois in their teens, suddenly Lobert ask Ahbeng, “oi oldman! I curious hor …. How many kinda nenens are there in this world ar ?”

Ahbeng think think for a while then he give Lobert his wise answer

Ahbeng : there is 3 kinda nenens in this world, in the 20’s a girl nenens is like a melon ROUND and FIRM! In their 30s and 40s its like pears, still NICE and JUICY but SAGGING abit ledi la … then the last one is after 50s their nenens is like ONIONS.

Lobert : Onions ??? Why Onions ??

Ahbeng : Yes Onion, bcoz if look at them long enuff it will make u cry….
Lobert :



This conversation makes Ahlian and Lulu tulan ledi, so in retaliation Lulu asked her mum :

Lulu : Ahmah, how many types of jiao jiao is there in this world?

Ahlian : Well doter, lets see … a man in his 20s is like an oak tree STRONG, POWDERFOOL and HARD! Then there is man in theirs 30s and 40s which is like a birch FLEXIBLE but still RELIABLE

Lulu : then after that is what ?

Ahlian : After that would be like your dad whois in his 50s, he is like a Christmas tree!!!

Lulu : Ah ?? Christmas tree ???? why Christmas tree Ahmah?

Ahlian : Because they are dead from the root up and their balls are just for decoration purposes only!!!




J0K3 ThR33
I dunno whats wrong with me or that women just love telling me that they are having their period! So, now i m the period expert ledi izzit?

Just yesday, I got 3 of them telling me they got period and the way they described it was totally new to me!
The first one said :

This month mine is kinda different than usual ... It looks like Hung Tao sar (red bean paste) just a little bit darker!

Then the second one told me this :

I think I m gonna die of excessive blood lost! I went to toilet just now to change my pad and after I m done with it ... it looks like the scene of a mass murder!

The third one is even better! She even told me a story! She said :

Last time when I kena dengue fever ... I was so sick that I need to do blood transfusion, so my bf gave me lotsa his blood to save me.

After I recovered, I found out that this bastard has been cheating behind my back, so i dumped that bastard and refused to meet him nor take his calls. Then one day he mailed me a note saying :

"Since you refused to forgive me and take me back, I demand that your returned my blood that i donated to you"

Then I send him back a package, in the package I include a bloody sanitary pad of mine and a note saying :

"Dont worry! I will pay you back in monthly installments!!!"

If human can do it....Why cant they?

They can make xx***xx as well ^^

They too can be beggers

They can act like Tarzan too..


So If human can do it....Why cant they?

Students are naughty ^^

When Ms Woo was on her way to her class, 2E5, she noticed the
intolerable
noise they have made. Thus, she decided to confront those who were
misbehaving.

Ms Woo: How many times do I need to tell you, DON'T BE SO NOISY
especially
when the teacher's not in class?? Who was the one who make so much
noise?!
You better stand up before everyone gets it.

Felix: "Will the Real Slim Shady Please Stand Up, Please Stand Up,
Please
Stand Up..." (Eminem)

Ms Woo: You again!! Can you DON'T PLAY A FOOL??

Felix: "Can't believe I'm the Fool again~" (Westlife)

Ms Woo: Do you want me to beat you??

Class: "Hit me Baby One More Time!" (Britney)

Ms Woo: What did u say??

Eugene: "WHAT?!" (Stone Cold)

Ms Woo: Are you out of your head??

Kai Ying: "I can't Get you Outta my Head~" (Kylie Minogue)

Ms Woo: Who do you think you are??

Eugene: "I'm a Genie in a Bottle~" (Christina Aguilera)

Ms Woo: DON'T BE RUDE!! How many F9s do you all want??

Class: "1, 2, 345, Everybody in the House, so Come'on let 's Ride.."
(Lou
Bega)

Ms Woo: Do you all have to do this?? What else you all do?!

Class: "Sometimes I run, Sometimes I hide..." (Britney)

Ms Woo: Do you all think this is a party??

Class: "I'm Coming Up so you Better Get the Party Started!" (Pink)

Ms Woo: I want all of you to go for detention tomorrow morning!!

Class: "Every Morning they're a Hello..." (Sugar Ray)

Ms Woo: No!! I want everyone of you to go for detention EVERYDAY!!

Class: "Everyday I Love You~" (Boyzone)

Ms Woo: Felix, Eugene and Kai Ying!! You 3 come alone and see me after
school!!

Eugene: "Show me the Meaning, of Being Lonely" (BSB)

Ms Woo: Okay Eugene!! Now only you have to come and see me
personally!!
Felix and Kai Ying need not!! It's gonna be only 2 of us!!

Eugene: "Just the Two of Us..." (Will Smith)

Ms Woo: Do you want to SHUTTUP before I bring you to Mr Fauzi??

Class: "You Say it Best, when you Say Nothing At All..." (Ronan
Keating)

Ms Woo: I want all of you to promise not to give me anymore trouble!!

Class: "This I Promise You... Woo~ I Promise You..." (*NSYNC)

Ms Woo: Make sure you all DON'T give me trouble again!!

Class: "Oops!! I Did it Again!!" (Britney)

Ms Woo: DON'T BE RUDE AR!!

Kai Ying: "There she Goes... There she Goes Again~" (Sixpence None The
Richer)

Ms Woo: I'm leaving now!!

Class: "BYE BYE BYE!!" (*NSYNC)

Ciplak and ciplak~!

So ,if all those i mentioned before still not enough to prove that Malaysia boleh,how about this?

Before proceeding to read,please click here



U faint, I faint!
Semua pengsan :P

Original Starbucks

Geez...What a crap~!

=_______________="

Laugh Off The Day :P

Small talk:
Accidentally came across with this lame joke forwarded by my friends years ago.Enjoy your day.

Chu Kang ( PCK ) explaining sex to Chu Beng's son, Aloysius .........

Aloy : Why is making love so enjoyable ?

PCK : Aiyah, ah boy, enjoyable because, same like when you dig your nose with your finger mah !

Aloy : Do you think women enjoy sex more than men ?


PCK : Of course lah ! When you dig dig your nose, your nose feel better than your finger, right?


Aloy : Why do women hate it when they get raped ?


PCK : Ai-yah ! Say, you walk along the load, then someone come over and
dig your nose, you like or not? Ehhh! Don't play play ah!


Aloy : Why is it a woman cannot have sex when she is having her menses?


PCK : Oy !! If your nose bleeding, you still go and dig meh?? Siow ah ! Use your brain, use your brainnn ..........


Aloy : Why is it most men don't like wearing condoms when they are making love ?


PCK : Ehhhh, when you dig your nose ah, you like to dig with a
glove on your finger or not ? Not the same shiok feeling mah. Correct
or not?


Aloy : Why is making love carried out in private ?


PCK : Ah boyyyyy, use your brain, use your brainnnnn
................................ you go and dig your nose in front of
your whole class izit ?? Stupid lah!!


Aloy : Wah ...... Uncle Chu Kang, you are very good.


PCK : Aiyah ...... Best in Singapore, JB, some say Batam, and now, the whole world! also ah!!!

Engrish

Lets face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this poem
It ends.

*repost*

Cakap Pandai

This is a lame joke told by my teacher.Have a nice day :)

Terdapat sebuah keluarga tinggal di tepi pantai.
Pada suatu hari, bapa membawa anaknya berjalan-jalan di tepi pantai.
Anaknya yang sudah belajar di sekolah bertanya bapanya satu soalan.

"Abah, psal air pasang semasa malam dan surut semasa siang?"

Ayahnya tidak berpendidikan tinggi dan sudah pasti tidak tahu jawapannya.
Namun, dia jawab jugak soalan anaknya.

"nak, sebab masa malam, matahari tengelam ke dalam laut jadi air pasang.Pada waktu siang, matahari keluar dari laut, jadi air laut surut."

Anaknya yang masih kecil percaya segala kata-kata bapanya.

Bertahun-tahun kemudian, setelah habis menuntut ilmu di universiti, anaknya pulang ke kampung.
Seperti dulu jugak , bapanya berjalan dengan anaknya di tepi pantai.
Kali ini ialah waktu malam.

"Sejuk air laut ini." kata bapanya.

Anaknya berhasrat untuk mempermainkan bapanya lalu bertanya,

"Abah, ko kata matahari tenggelam dalam laut masa malam.psal pulak air laut sejuk?sepatutnya panas kan?"

Bapanya, dengan tidak hairan menjawab

"Astarfirullahal azim. Saya jual tanah, jual sawah, jual rumah dapat duit hantar ko belajar sampai universiti.Takkan ko tak tau





API PADAM DALAM AIR? :P



-Jason-

A Chinese Joke

This is my 1st entry in chinese, cause I kinda lazy wanna write blog today.
I will translate this as soon as possible :)

妈妈学英文(一)

一天,我正看着VCD,老妈捧了一本书进来.....

老妈:"这个I don't know,是什么意思?"

我:" '我不知道'。"

老妈:"送你上学那么多年,你怎么什么都不知道?"

我:"就是'我不知道'嘛!"

老妈:"还嘴硬!"

说完老妈给了我一巴掌。

妈妈学英文(二)

老妈:"那'I know' 是什么意思?"

我:"是'我知道' "

老妈:" 知道就快说!"

我:"就是'我知道' "

老妈:"你皮痒是不是?"

我:"就是'我知道'啊!"

老妈:"知道你还不说,不懂就不要装懂!"

老妈又给了我一巴掌.........

妈妈学英文(三)

"在问你最后一个,"老妈:"你给我翻译'I know but I don't want to tell you',是什么意思?"

我:"........."

今天她又来问我了~

老妈:"孩子啊,'I'm very annoyance,don't trouble me',是什么意思?"

我:" '我很烦,别烦我'。"

老妈:" 欠揍! 跟你妈这么说话!"

于是我又挨了一巴掌。

妈妈学英文(四)

老妈:" 'What do you say',是什么意思?"

我:" ' 你说什么?"

老妈作势要打我,

"算了,问另一句,' Look up in dictionary', 是什么意思?"

" '查字典' "

老妈:"叫我查字典?!那我干嘛问你?!"

这一回我挨了两巴.........

妈妈学英文(五)

老妈:" 'You hd better ask somebody', 什么意思啊?"

我:" ' 你最好问别人' "

" 你是我儿子我问别人干嘛?"

"啪!!"

老妈又问:" 'I hear nothing,repeat',是什么意思?"

我:" ' 我没听清楚,请再说一次' "

老妈重复:" 'I hear nothing,repeat' "

我:" '我没听清楚,请再说一次"

老妈:" ei,你最近皮在痒hor...?是的话再赏你两巴!"

"啪!啪!" 今天,我挨了三巴。

妈妈学英文(六)

" 我再问你,"

老妈:" ' Use your head,then think it over,' 又是什么意思?"

我:" '动动你的脑子,再仔细想想' "

老妈:" 兔崽子, 还敢耍我?!"

"呜~~~~"

A Nice Way Of Escaping From Punishment

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

A Joke To Crack Off The Routine Day

One day, a teacher went into a class and told the students,
"Today, we will be playing a game."
"What kind of game, Teacher?"
"When I mention 1 word, you will have to tell me the opposite of the word."
"Oh.Ok!"
"Start now!"
The students listened carefully to what the teacher was going to say.
"Black"
"White"
"Expensive
"Cheap"
"Finish"
"Start"
"Hot"
"Cold"
"Poor"
"Rich"
"Bush"(green grass)
"Osama"
"Wrong"
"Right"
"I said you were wrong!"
"You said we were right!"
"No,I didn't!"
"Yes,You did!
"Shut your mouth now or I will punish you!"
"Open my mouth later or you will reward me!"
"I said the game end here!"
"You said the game start there!"
"Can't you understand ?The game is OVER now!"
"Can I understand ? The game is starting now!"
"Oh My God!"
"Oh your ghost!"
"Idiot"
"Genius"
"Stupid"
"Clever"
"Silence!"
"Noisy!"
"Stop and listen to me!"
"Continue and ignore you!"

The next moment, the teacher was lying on the floor.
The students continued the game,thinking that the teacher was indicating them the word of "fainted"

"Awaken!"

What's so SPECIAL about girls? =)

There is a saying in cantonese, mentioning that there are only 2 things in this world that affecting men, girls(women) and money.
I accidentally came across to this picture my friend sent me years ago.
Let' see the bond between girls and money.
LOL!Hope you enjoy it.

Engrish or English?

The standard of Engerish English is getting ” BETTER” and “BETTER” nowadays. I’ve been flipping through all those funny Engerish English all over the world.

Let’s see some of these i came across a while ago.

The signboard tells us “It is ancient to pack photo”.

I kinda agree with that since nowadays human being TAKE PHOTO and not packing photo.It is understandable since only ancient people pack photo.Modern people like us take photos.Hmm, nice try.

“Please Keep chair on position & Keep table cleaned after dying.Thanks for your corporation”

WOW .Those uncountable mistakes(actually is countable, i just kinda lazy to point up my little fingers and count 1, 2 ,3…..)1st, how come the “K” in every Keep in that sentence must be capital letter?The spelling of cooperation is TOO RIDICULOUS as long as it sounds the same is OK for them.Wtf? “Keep table cleaned after dying” means after you die, you must keep the table clean.Is there any resurrection stones or resurrection skills in this world?Hah!Perhaps, the restaurant got their own shaman to resurrect every single customer that eat their food and die on spot and the shaman will resurrect them just to clean up the table and kill them again after they had done the cleaning.

“Touching Wires Causes Instant Death $200 Fine“

There is no exceptional of not paying the fine for touching the wires even if you are dead.

“No Smorking”

I’m sure the signboard is telling us not to smork smoke.

“Auto Rock”

The japaneses are great in inventing weird thingy aren’t they? The door will auto rock instead of auto lock.When you close the door, the door will shake up and down , right and left automatically.What a great invention.No wonder Malaysia launched the programme called ” Pandang Ke Timur” Gambateh JAPANESES!